Goals, concerns, questions, practical steps

Please understand I don't mean to be negative here. I am trying to face fears directly.

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GOALS

Spending my time meaningfully.

Living to my potential.

Taking care of parents.

ANTI-GOALS

Required to sit in an office at specific hours of a day.

Selling my time at a fixed rate regardless of the value I create.

Lack of mobility and freedom to learn and create new things.

RELATIONSHIP

We have not experienced any significant period of happiness in our marriage. This relationship has been a source of misery for most of my adult life (I share the blame too). It's difficult to accept the suggestion that moving to Hong Kong will fix things. We have different values and conflicting life goals. This makes the idea of raising a child seem irresponsible to me. I have stuck to my promise to stay in this marriage, but the ongoing cost will probably be huge. We have not come up with any reassuring solutions to this.

HONG KONG

I am cutting myself off from my family, friendships, culture, society.

Ex-pat culture in Hong Kong is not a substitute for my native environment.

FAMILY

Take care of parents emotionally, financially, physically.

Mom has Type-2 diabetes, shorter lifespan and major health issues later in life.

Dad is already experiencing chronic aging issues, need to push him to follow through on doctor's advice.

My parents and my brother will stay in the U.S. long-term, and I will be cut off from them.

QUESTIONS

Hard questions I have been uncomfortable in asking, but want to ask:

- What if we spend months living in Hong Kong and then you say "I don't want this anymore"? How does that affect our relationship? My future?

- If you originally planned to stay in Hong Kong until the new year, why did you cut the visit short?

- If we move to Hong Kong, will you still regret your past? Will you still be depressed? Will you still be unable to love in a relationship?

- Are we trying to solve internal problems by changing external environments?

- People change. We can't promise we'll still want the same things in a few years. What if one of us changes our mind again in the future about life goals?

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PRACTICAL STEPS

Let's document some estimates before moving to Hong Kong so we can compare expectations with reality.

Time estimate:

1 hour minimum commute to work

10 minutes walk to ferry

10 minutes waiting at ferry

20 minutes boat ride

10 minutes getting to bus/subway

10 minutes minimum getting to work

9 hours at office (Hong Kong work hours are longer, like 9am-6pm)

2 hours minimum to commute and hang out with parents or social activities

1 hour minimum reverse commute to home

8 hours sleep

This leaves 3 hours for eating, chores, errands, being with spouse

Is it realistic to be a good mother on this schedule?

Financial estimate:

Break down known costs, income ranges, local and foreign income taxes

Lifestyle estimate:

Do you think you could support me, or yourself, if I can't find a job?

Rent a real place (in terms of desired size, quality, location) for a few months

Commute every day to an office (or library) and stay there for 9 hours

Commute to meet family

Participate in social activities on a regular basis

Do chores and errands at home

Try to make friends in Lamma