Jan 27
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U were my best friend how could you treat me like that. I thought you were my best friend. I haven't cried until tonight. I am so hurt. I know you need to heal too from both our mistakes but I can't respect myself if I didn't tell you that what you did, you did to someone who if not a lover was at least your FRIEND and had your back.
Jan 28
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You are right. I was horrible. I am a terrible person. You should tell me that. One of the main reasons that I got into the depression was that I got stuck on a destructive way of thinking, and I kept looping. Whatever happens, I just hope you won't be stuck like I was. If you consider the whole thing through the lens of friends, yes it was terrible, but was it the only lens. I know you don't want to hear that at the time I was very scared you'd leave and not come back. But that was precisely why it hurt so much and it was so scary. Not because I don't want to get your back as your friend, not because you just want to just go and not come back, but because we needed each other but we couldn't be there for each other.
But of course I am a terrible human being. And you should tell me about this. I just pledge for one thing:
Please don't be like me. Don't be stuck. Don't loop in one speck of thinking. It's a horrible place. I've been there for too long.
I was mad but I didn't want to leave you or you to leave me. That's why I called you right after to ask you to leave the things. I am just a terrible person. I am a terrible person.
Jan 31
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I don't mean you throwing me out the last day we were together. I meant you treating me worse than crap whenever you're unhappy, instead of asserting yourself calmly. You don't do that to anyone else, not your parents, your brother, your cousin, your friends, or your co-workers.
-Sam
Feb 3
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I took some time to think this through because I want to give this careful thoughts.
There's another person that I do this to: myself.
It was not my "treating you", but a reflection of my low self-esteem. And I saw you and me as us, others as the outside. It was not right. In a horrible way of negative, self-destructive thinking, I did horrible things to myself, you and us. I am sorry. I am a degenerate.
You should not be there while I self-destructed. I am beyond sorry. I am working hard to pull myself together, change myself.
I've created a tracker, which breaks my demons apart piece by piece. I list all issues I/we have, write down fears and demons related to the issue, then make sure I come up with one to two constructive thinking or resolutions for that item. Whenever I find myself in negative thinking and cannot get out, I look up my tracker to change my pathway of thinking from negative to constructive.
I am not sure how it has worked so far. Seeing therapist next week.
Not trying to change subject. I am grateful that you are telling me how you feel. Just want to share where I am at past the issue level. Please don't be oversaddened by my degeneration, and please don't count everything out yet. That's the most important. I am sorry.
Hope your leads had great development. Best of luck
