panic

I was going through old photos and journals, and it strikes me that we should not blame our problems on any one thing. There were multiple factors that contributed to the fracturing of our relationship and to the unhappiness about our lives. If you blame a single psychological factor, such as depression or passive behavior, then one solution only addresses one problem while other problems persist.

Anyway, that said, I was looking through old photos and journals and observed something: you tend to panic in situations where you might be judged by others. In those situations, you assume the worst but you're too scared to face your fears directly. Instead, you deal with those situations by lashing out at people you're not scare of... people who won't fight back, which basically meant me. I just remember you always being too angry, too depressed, or too frustrated, to be intimate with me, even though I was always there to talk through problems with you.

I have usually found that if I feel scared of being judged and found wanting, what others think of me has less to do with me, than with their own motivations. However, staying cool "in the moment" to evaluate, and to test the situation through calm questioning and observation, will show that fear is not as important as understanding.

It's not safe to say the single reason behind our unhappiness is your resorting to angry panic instead of testing the assumptions behind your fears. However, angry panic due to avoidance of fearful things might have been a major component. 

-Sam