4/22/12
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Hey,
Have you recovered from your cold? Hope you are and resting.
I've been thinking about everything we talked about. I had my (big) share of wrongdoing and I heard what you said about not wanting to fight and using emails, so I took it as my task this time to think things over and write them down before we talk again.
These ideas here build upon the things we've been talking about. In response to your points, these ideas specifically address the bad feelings we created when we talked, the tactlessness we had that prevented us from moving forward, and ultimately, create room for each other's needs.
The ideas are divided into 3 levels. They may seem like a lot of rules - but like the Constitution and a sound legal system, good rules help us channel childish, bad energies into mature, positive ones and provide a sound foundation for good things to happen.
Also, I don't mean to say at all that these are set rules. They are responses to previous emails/conversations, and the goal is to replace negativity with positivity and open up a way to work together without fighting. Please feel free give any comments/suggestions you may have.
4/22/12
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Feedback to any of below is welcome of course. If you think the structure is not right, we can change all of it or rethink too...
---------- I. EMOTIONAL LEVEL (environment for talking) ----------
NO 1: Dwelling on the past ($10) --> YES 1
NO 2: Complaining or accusing each other ($10) --> YES 2 & 3
NO 3: Disengage, turn away, or appease temporarily (good intentions but very bad consequences) --> YES 4 & Notes
YES 1: Appreciate each other's efforts
YES 2: Acknowledge each other's sacrifice
YES 3: Compliment each other's strengths & positivity
YES 4: Use humor & smile :)
Notes 1: Schedule time to talk. Each talk will not exceed two hours. Whoever extends the talk is to be fined for $50 per every 30 minutes of extension.
Notes 2: Set agenda & goals for each talk. Come up with a time table for conversations and be prepared to discuss the topic each time. Whoever is not ready or reschedule is to be fined for $50.
Notes 3: When negativity comes out, pause for 1 hour before resuming the talk. Collect fines at for each NO at the end.
Notes 4: If talk turns into a pointless argument, the person who starts the fight is to be fined for $100. The person who responds to the fight is to be also fined for $100. A pointless argument is defined as a talk that does not lead anywhere or build any understanding. Starting or responding to a fight is defined as anyone doing any of the NOs above.
---------- II. TACTIC LEVEL (basis or cooperation) ----------
Take advantage of our strengths/efforts:
- SAM 1: Execution
- SAM 2: Persistence
- SAM 3: Reflection and working together
- HOI 1: Big picture thinking
- HOI 2: Sacrifice
- HOI 3: Coming up with solution ideas/thinking models
- BOTH: Practice in scrum
Curb our weaknesses:
- HOI 1: Terrible temper / pushy
- HOI 2: Poor execution
- HOI 3: Changing mind
- SAM 1: Disengagement / inaction
- SAM 2: Conservatism (reliance on status quo)
- SAM 3: Linear thinking (not always, but sometimes)
- BOTH: Emotional immaturity (do only what we want to do, push away what feels hard or gives us bad feeling at the moment)
Notes: If we don't want something done to us (e.g., bad temper), we have the responsibility to require ourselves to not do it to the other, cause we cannot require the other to do something we can't do ourselves. On the other hand, if we curb our weaknesses and take advantage of our strengths, we get exponential growth in strength rather than a lump of negativity.
---------- III. STRATEGY LEVEL (final goal - taking care of one another) ----------
HOI'S TOP 2 GOALS (to be filled out together):
- /
- /
SAM'S TOP 2 GOALS (I know what they are, but as a showing of respect, I'll leave them blank to be filled out together too):
-
-
...When we started, the bond came quick and we never had a chance to learn to give room and work with one another like an adult couple. With the above ideas, we may start to have a way to do so.
4/22/12
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I appreciate that you have put some thought into how we can improve communication in practical ways. I am not trying to block your efforts when I say what I'm about to say, but I think it's worth repeating because it's very simple...
For the longest time, being in a relationship with you made me think there was something wrong with me because you were not attracted to me. While I don't have proof that I'm attractive, I'm pretty sure that I am smart, well-mannered, ethical, physically fit, humorous, hardworking, and successful. Maybe I don't have a grand vision for life, but I think that's ok as long as I try to be a good person. It must be possible that I am at least attractive to someone looking for those qualities.
Why do I say this? Because guys don't imagine love without sex. I've been living in a sexless marriage for most of my adult life now. What we've got is a celibate friendship. You've put some effort into having sex with me since we decided to postpone the divorce. I appreciate that. However, I experience it as an effort on your part, not a change in how you perceive yourself as a sexual person who wants to connect with another person. I do believe one person has no right to expect another person to change their core character, so I have no right to ask you to change who you are.
In the long run, can people change? I think people can change, because I know I have fundamentally improved many aspects of myself in the past few years, but only because I really, really wanted to. The dilemma I face now is uprooting my life, my career, my proximity to family, my cultural familiarity, to live in another country and possibly have a child, just for the slight possibility that I may have the chance to experience love of a sexual nature rather than a friendship nature.
-Sam
4/22/12
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I know what you saying about a sexual, loving relationship. That was one of the blanks I was leaving for us to fill together. I was not ignoring it, I simply wanted to talk about it together on the basis of good communications, since it is important.
A few things:
- The core problem we have, as I see it, is that we are both not addressing each other's top needs (level 3 in previous email): Yours of having a sexual relationship; mine of being in a relationship where I can spend enough time in HK. In other words, my need for my culture is just like your need for sex. What you experienced before as me not being attracted to you was a case of me not having my kind of sex (and we've already agreed this needs to change).
- Maybe we have both missed the point: the point is not simply "to change", the point is to utterly appreciate each other's top needs and to take care of each other. You have changed in many ways for us, it's very true. And I really appreciate that. I have put in a lot into the relationship too. The problem remains, those changes have not addressed my top need (culture), just as my development has not fully addressed your top need (sex). What we need is not just "change", but to focus on understanding and taking care of each other's top needs.
- I was not just making an effort to be sexual. Saying that is misunderstanding the whole nature of what I did. I agreed with you that physical connection is an important, nurturing part of love, and I was shedding my previous inhibitions and experimenting to explore sexuality, even when I was by myself here. Since I discovered that I was into stories and sexy clothing, I've been buying them (I got some here). I took sexy photos here and asked you if you wanted them, but you declined, so I just showed it to you on Facetime, remember? Even my jokes about dick pics was a way for me to be open about sex. I may not be as sexy as you hope for so far, but I want you to know, I was not just making an effort, I was honestly trying to develop into a sexier being, not to suit you, but to connect.
- The issue we face is not that you don't have a grand vision for your life, but that we don't have a vision for our married life. Our married life has been a repetition of our collage years, without an overall direction to devote to or to grow our relationship in... You are thinking of attracting someone else with your good qualities; I agree with you that someone will be attracted to your good qualities. I don't know what to say about your thought about being with someone else... All I can say is, even with someone else, any couple needs to have a vision so that they could sail the sea that is life together. You cannot build a healthy relationship without having a vision for it and then working towards it.
- "The dilemma I face now is uprooting my life, my career, my proximity to family, my cultural familiarity, to live in another country and possibly have a child, just for the slight possibility that I may have the chance to experience love of a sexual nature rather than a friendship nature." Replace 'sexual' with 'loving', this is *exactly* my dilemma. The difference is, I have already risked it. I've gambled all these years and now... I hope you can appreciate the dilemma not just for you, but for us.
- I honestly don't want to you go through what I had gone through. I have said so before and I would say so again. I understand your dilemma because I was there. So let us stay in the US, but spend 1.5 month in Hong Kong each year. One month in the winter time, so we can take advantage of the winter holiday. And then another time for 2 weeks. This way you can still be close to your life, career, family, culture etc, but we can experience this side of life together. This way, I am not totally disconnected from my culture and you are not disconnected from this side of my experience either. This is the bottom line of my top need.
Imagine two people sitting on each other's hands. One keeps saying to the other: "...but you are sitting on *my left* hand. It hurts. You have to do something about it now". The other keeps responding, "... but you are sitting on *my right* hand. It hurts. You have to do something about it first." They are forever in a standstill without realizing that the solution is for them to *both* stand up. Silly metaphor I know, but that's what we've been doing, isn't it? Keep explaining to each other our own side of the problem, fussing over left hand vs. right hand, while not seeing the whole picture and thus eluding the solution.
Buddhist teaching says: a switch of mind leads to hell; a switch of mind leads to heaven. The issues we face are complicated and long-standing, but the solution can be very simple: All we have to do is take care of each other's top needs. You have changed my ways and have started working on them; I thank you. In my crappy way I have changed my way and started working on them too. All we have to do is agree to a way to do it and stick to it.
A switch of mind leads to hell; a switch of mind leads to heaven.
4/23/12
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I was in a place where they played Boyz II Men's I'll make love to you. Listening to it aroused something in my memory, something that we talked about before. Though embarrassing, I want to put it down in words to be clear.
I think it's crucial to rectify what you were saying that you feel I was not attracted to you. Your whole email was based on that. I am/was *never not* attracted to you. You can say that I am uneasy with my sexuality or I did not put sexual explorations on the top of the list *before*, but I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be hugged and loved only by you. It sounds like a cheesy thing to say, but I think you need to understand the whole truth. I am sorry that my lack of sexuality has given you a low self-image. I have a lot of trouble with my self-image too (as shown below), so I know how it affects one's self-esteem. But what you thought as no attraction to you was actually my misinformation about my own body.
This is why I think it's very important that we take the time to understand before taking care of each other's needs. Without understanding, we may just assume that this happened because of A (I am not attracted to you), but in fact, it's mainly because of B (I have a bad self-image).
There's a big difference between A & B. The first implies reluctance to be close. The second shows an incompetence to be close, which, like erectile dysfunction for men, can be improved.
Let me tell you about the miseducation of my sexuality. It's a long story, and though we've covered some of these and all of these are in the past now, it's still very uneasy for me to put my sexual history in words. But it's important for you to have the whole story again, so you can cease to misunderstand once and for all, and see the real situation:
- When I was a kid, in primary school, there was a pretty girl who had already developed curves. Her powered face always beamed with pinkish blush and a beautiful smile. She liked to talk to a lot of people during recess, probably knowing that she was pretty. People were friendly to her face, but would gather around bad-mouthing her at her back, saying that she 發姣 - roughly translates to being a seducer. At those times to a bunch of kids, 發姣 was associated with really negative concepts like prostitution. A good girl should be pure, modest, and pleasant. She should study and be learnt rather than using her beauty to get ahead.
- If you notice all the ads/magazines in Asia, especially before, there's always a cute girl on the cover with a nice modest smile. Seldomly, you see a scantily-clad, wild-eyed femme fetale as you do on western covers. Why? Because that's our ideal for good, beautiful girls.
- When I was 11, I gained 11kg over a summer because I was developing and I suddenly had pocket money for snacks :-/ When I started secondary school and told Joane about it, she said "You gained 11 pounds, right? How can one gain 11kg over a summer?" I considered myself chubby among skinny Asian girls since then. As a girl, there's always a lot of pressure to be really slim. I was not considered slim in secondary school.
- Same year, I showed that I liked a boy but he didn't like me back. He chased the most beautiful girl in class and they were together since then. As a green teenager, I took that as sign that I was not attractive. I didn't want to show that I was attracted to someone easily after this because it backfired on me this time.
- When I was about 15, my mom got really worried that I was not developing breasts. She took me to a family doctor and asked her what we could do about it. The doctor said it was genetic on the dad's side that determined a girls's breast size (which I have to say is true), and told me to drink more milk. My mom never mentioned anything about my breasts again, but that made a great impression on me. I didn't feel womanly.
- In high school, to show that I was not bothered by my lack of womanliness, I chose skeleton prints instead of cute things to cover my books, I gave myself a boy's name (I was Arnold before I was Alice), and was the *only* girl who wore pants (Uma's pants in Pulp Fiction) to the graduation prom.
- In college, I dated Edward. We were both awkward in kissing and stuff, probably because we both came from HK. I didn't remember anything exciting about our intimacy.
- Then I met you. We explored sex without intercourse together and that was basically my knowledge of sex.
- My other main source of knowledge about sex, as I told you, came from what cute girls do in movies and in Japanese adult movies. Basically, it is: be cute and attractive, then give in to sex half-willingly (to show modesty) and let the guy enjoy that. It's so embarrassing to summarize this now, but I was really immature.
- Now I know who I am as a woman, what my body is really like and some things I could do with it. On top of clothes and looks, perhaps I can learn sexy dance / bitchy dance to gain real confidence on my body. I am also interested in pole dancing. That seems like something that gives women real power. Maybe we can also watch videos to learn more moves (like wearing the red thing and going on fours)...
- I agree that sexuality is an important part of a relationship, like I said, and I am exploring it. You can tell me that I am not sexy enough, but please don't say that "I've made some efforts into having sex since we decided whatever"... That's not what happened at all. Please don't brand it as an effort in exchange of something else. Please have some respect, for you and me.
Since you went back to what happened before, this is the whole background of my sexuality. I hope after reading all these long stories, you realize that I am not not attracted by you, but didn't know how to show it. I am very sorry that you've been feeling like you were not attractive all these time, and I am very sorry I didn't put sexuality on top of the list on our relationship -- that was a grave mistake on my part. It took me a long time to realize how conservative I really am sexually, and how much I don't understand lovemaking or my body at all, but NEVER think that you are not attractive, that's the wrong interpretation of the bad signals I used to give.
Please understand the real reasons before jumping to conclusions.
4/26/12
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I didn't read this email for a couple of days and now that I've read it I am so thankful and appreciative that you took the risk to share your history and inner thoughts. I am so moved.
Childhood for hong kong girls sounds incredibly oppressive and destructive. I guess it's not much better in the west but at least girls here are encouraged to be more individual.
Your tomboyish aspect makes so much more sense now. I didn't realize you felt so disconnected from your feminine side. It's amazing that you could write so objectively about how your youth's environment affected you.
I have the same historical issues with the concept of manliness, something I discuss with my brother frequently. Dancing, and being in a loving relationship, can really help people get I touch with their gender, I believe.
Maybe we can work together on recognizing our past, who we want to be, and helping each other be more complete.
By the way, you have one of the hottest bodies and cutest faces ever, if my opinion matters in this. Thinking about you wanting to be more open and loving makes me want you so badly.
Sent from my iPhone
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