You can't hear that my voice is already gone, that i can barely talk, that I am coughing a lot, that i am almost delirious, that i have explained to you that my life is work, come home, wait to have argument with you, try to sleep a bit, go to work? what the fuck.
4/14/12
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You are right. That was crappy of me. While the conversation was serious, I should just let you go. I am sorry.
I hope having a schedule helps. Like I said, I got carried away, but didn't mean for it to be a way to push or disrespect you. I am bad at conversations too.
4/15/12
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You don't know how to end a conversation until you get what you want. I won't let you hold me hostage in arguments anymore.
4/15/12
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I am sorry for what happened.
Instead of assuming that I just wanted to win, have you considered that I didn't want to end the conversation because I felt like I was being accused of a lot of things?
You are right about not being held up in arguments. I understand your point. I am sorry. I admit I was wrong. Please don't understand my wrong in the wrong way though.
I felt attacked and wanted to defend myself. It was insensitive of me to do that. You are right. And I am so wrong, but really, it was not to win or to push you (though it came across as that). I was just trying to say something on my own behalf. Again, very insensitive, but not to push you.
4/15/12
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(I am learning to put thoughts in ways that I mean but not provoke - the latter being a huge flaw that I have. Sorry, please bear with me. What I meant to say in the previous two emails were:)
It was not my intention to push you or hold you hostage with arguments, though by not being able to stop myself, I did essentially that. I am sorry for that.
It was horrible of me and I hope you feel better, despite how horrible I was.
4/15/12
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Imagine this, once every 2-3 weeks, for ten years, in addition to denying my sexual existence, half-hearted commitment to being here, suggesting divorce during arguments... and you wonder why I don't feel much anymore.
4/15/12
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YOU DON'T KNOW HOW ANGRY I AM THESE DAYS AND HOW BAD YOU MAKE ME FEEL ABOUT MYSELF.
4/15/12
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Ok, I realized I am doing what you said in the other email about the cliche of focusing on the past and focusing on emotions. Let's talk when you get back. I hope you have a really nice vacation with your mom.
-Sam
4/17/12
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I got what you said, and know why you are angry. Thank you for reflecting on the cliche. That's very big of you. :-/ Hope you are recovering well.
Mom and I are doing fine in Korea. It was very easy to get around though most people don't speak English. Everything is well designed and thoughtful to individuals and tourists. Compared to 15 years ago when we were here for the first time, S Korea has advanced a great deal - without compromising their living standard or their national identity. The Koreans had been invaded by the Japanese, Chinese, Dutch, French and Americans, and fought a brutal civil war. After years of hard work and national collaboration, now S. Korea is economically-developed and is one of the few countries in Asia with a true democracy. They will be electing their president this Nov, same as the US. They should be proud :)
Talk to you when I come back. If you prefer to email, we can do that too.
Take care,
Hoiyin
4/17/12
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Btw, I've been thinking about what you said and i'll continue to reflect on all the things we talked about.
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